One conversation, properly, rather than six in passing.

One conversation, not a campaign

Relatives at this distance usually have fewer chances than a partner does, and each one is more formal. That is an argument for having one conversation properly rather than six in passing.

The hour matters more than the wording. Not drunk, not hungover, not on a birthday, not in front of the family, not on the phone at eleven at night. A flat weekday, or a walk, where either of you can stop without it being a scene.

The sentences that do not work

• “After everything we have done for you.” True, probably, and it converts the subject into a debt he cannot pay and will therefore stop trying to.
• “You are killing your mother.” He will not hear it as information about her. He will hear the accounting of another thing he has ruined, and shame is the reliable trigger of the next drink.
• “We have found a place for you.” Arranged in advance, without him, it is a presentation rather than an offer. Say what you are willing to fund and let him make the call.
• “If you loved us you would stop.” He knows it is not about love, and it hands him a factual argument to win instead of a real one to face.

What tends to land

One event, described plainly, and what it cost you. Not a pattern, not a diagnosis, not a review of the decade. “At Christmas you were asleep by four and your niece asked me why. I did not know what to say to her.” Events are hard to argue with. Characterisations are easy to argue with, and the argument is a relief to him.

Then one sentence about what you are offering, with a shape: what it is, how long it lasts, and what it depends on. Then stop. The silence afterwards is the part that works, and most people fill it and end up apologising for having raised it.

Ask one question rather than making a case: what do you think would actually help. It is not a soft question. Nobody has usually asked him, and the answer tells you what you are dealing with.

What he will probably say

• That you are exaggerating. Which is why one event beats a general worry.
• That it is his life. It is. Say so, and say what part of it is yours: the money, the phone at midnight, the child who asks.
• That he will cut down. Sometimes meant. Cutting down is a real route for some people and a delaying tactic for others, and the honest version involves a doctor rather than a promise at a table.
• That somebody else in the family is the problem. Often there is something in it. It is still not tonight's subject.
• Nothing. Silence is not refusal. A great many people say nothing, and then do something three weeks later without mentioning that anyone asked.

Afterwards

Write down what you actually said and what he actually said, the same day. Families reconstruct these conversations differently within a week, and your own note will stop you relitigating it with a sibling who was not there.

Then let it sit. One conversation does not usually produce a decision, and following it up the next morning converts an offer into pressure.

If the reason you have not had this conversation is that you are frightened of him, or that somebody in that house would be less safe afterwards, do not have it yet. That is a safety matter and the safety page is the right page.